My Sweet Baby Boy,
I just want to run away far away and pretend like you are not sick, but would that change anything. I am mad at the world lashing out on anyone who gets in my way. I pray to the Lord everyday to help me understand and give me the strength to be strong for you. I could spend hours just starring at you and watching you sleep I don't mind holding you 24/7 like I do you are my baby the baby I wished for. No matter how many kids I have I knew I wanted to have just one more I didn't care what anyone thought. I prayed and prayed for you and wished on shooting stars. It took 2 years and then I found out you were growing inside me. I was so excited so excited in fact I took 3 tests and sent every picture to daddy while he was at work. I did everything right took extra special care of myself mommy was very sick while you were growing inside of me. Some days I would just sit and cry over how much I loved you and how you were special and meant to be here. At this time I had no idea just how special God had made you. I think Daddy thought I was loosing my marbles LOL. I couldn't explain it and even if I could I don't think anyone would of understood the love I felt while you were growing inside of me.
That morning you were born the whole world stopped everyone in the room disappeared in my mind. You barely even cried you were so beautiful and sweet and the way you looked at me it was if we had met before in some other time. Daddy was so in love with you too and so were you big brothers and big sister. On the day we got that shocking news I was devastated and terrified to loose you. I went over for days asking God why, why God , why my baby , why me? It took about a week and then it came to me a voice said. I was chosen to be your mommy to love you every second of the day with everything I had. To be the best mother I have ever been in all my years of being a mommy. That I could do this and I must look very deep within my self to find the strength to get us all through this. That I must turn to faith and seek out the Lord in your journey. the more I pray and attend worship the more your journey all makes sense. I've learned just how selfish I have been in the past and how there is a bigger picture in life.
Your surgery is 11 days away to say I'm not afraid would be a lie. I know your doctor can fix you that is not my fear. I have an uneasy feeling when I think of your recovery. I know I need to be strong for you and not underestimate just how strong you are. So today I'm saying and believing you are strong, you are my son and I can tell you will fight with everything that you have. I will not cry while I hold you because I refuse for you to feel my weakness or think I don't believe in you. I pray you feel all the love I have for you and wouldn't change that you are my Son for all the riches in the world. I can't wait to hear your laugh see you sit up and crawl to take your first steps and go to your first day of kindergarten to hit your first home run. Every month that passes I am blessed that you picked me to be your mommy. Just as I whispered in your ear the day you were born
"I love you as high as the sky and as deep as the oceans that never end."
I love you Cole Anthony.
Love Always,
Mommy
You'll get through this. Be prepared, it will make it easier. More than likely he will have the following: An IJ (Intra Jugular) IV in his neck, an arterial line in his arm, a periphreal (sp?) in his foot, 3 chest tubes draining just below his incision, he will be intubated, and probably under some heat lamps to keep him warm. It will look worse than it is. I've been through it twice and it's scary as hell, but you'll be ok, and so will Cole. I have pics on my blog from either December 2011 or January 2012 if you wanna take a peek and prep. And then maybe again in May 2012. :-)
ReplyDeleteYes, you will get through it even though it will be the most awful day of your life. My son had his TAPVR repair at 6 days old. He looked like a mess after surgery, but thank G/d every day something out, a little better. He had an internal thermometer, catheter, central IV line, a few other IVs, pacemaker placed, (just one) chest tube, and lots of wires for monitoring, not to mention his chest open (because he was a newborn, I don't think that's likely with Cole don't worry about it). We were in PICU for 5 days and on the ward for another 8, but looking at him now you would NEVER know it. He is the happiest healthiest most energetic kid out there thank G/d. These kids are tough! Will be thinking of you :-)
ReplyDeleteTears. I don't have many words through the tears, other than I'm keeping Cole close to my heart, here to support you, and thinking about you all. xoxo -Cora's mama
ReplyDeleteTears Tears and more Tears Rachelle I am praying for you family and baby Cole. If you need anything please let me know!!
ReplyDeleteI thank you all for the prayers they mean so much to me right now
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